yet to be a confession

I invited you for dinner not accidentally. I kind of did this on purpose, planned it if you may. there are just so many things that I wanted to tell, declare to you but I didn’t ever gather up the courage and craziness to not until this past few months. I have been thinking about you. If you ask if in a pathologic way, maybe yes because someway some thoughts of you find a means to reach even my subconscious that when I stare in open space, I stare with thoughts of you flowing through my head. I would call this my confession because seriously these messages I have been dreaming to get across to you for a long time, in fact they are 9 years late. Siguro ganoon lang talaga ako magprocess, by the decades. I guess this is my boldest move ever. Bigger than any speech I have delivered in the past because these words I assure you came from my heart and I mean every single one of them.

I’m so sorry. I didn’t really get the chance to apologize for the hurt I caused you and for disappointing you so many times. What I did was wrong. You were indeed this very close and special friend to me and the text I sent you and the prank I pulled on you was selfish and quite frankly immature. Come to think of it, it was always you who thought of me first before yourself, who really showed he cared. I’m sorry for not making you feel the same. I seriously wish I could have grabbed that time with you and expressed to you how I felt. Do you know the feeling when you did something wrong and you never got the chance to make it up to that person. It haunts you I guess even in the smallest ways like you start hating your guts and just want to rip your heart apart to get rid of what do you call it, huh, guilt. But beyond that I think even if you don’t need it or don’t want it anymore, you deserve this apology even after a very long time.

Thank you. Thank you for all the times we spent with each other, for the letters you gave me, for the gift of time, concern and laughter that I enjoyed with you, for the concern. Thank you for teaching me how to care genuinely, for reminding me that I deserved caring and for showing me that someone cares. Thank you for opening my heart and making me feel how it was like to love and be loved in return.

I loved you and I love you. I dunno if you remember but it was in the earthsaver’s club meeting that I first saw you. You introduced yourself with your low solemn voice saying you are from Southridge High. I guess from that day forward I started liking you without your permission. Getting to know you better in 3rd year was almost near to being surreal because you are the one person I met who managed to check out all the items in my list (what makes a man). Funny huh but yes, I had a list. And for some reason, no matter what I do to block you out or to things of ways to ignore you, you manage to catch my attention each time drowning everybody’s presence. I guess from that moment on, I started loving you without your consent. I loved you when you took me to the prom. I loved you when you surprised me in the garden. I loved you when you came to McDo that afternoon but I never showed up.  I loved you when they tricked us in the marriage booth during Foundation day.I loved you when you took the effort of writing that green letter.I loved you when you congratulated me after graduation. I loved you when you sent me that email.  I loved you when we somehow  managed to watch the fireworks at the centennial lantern parade together.  I loved you every time I went to UP Diliman hoping to catch a glimpse of you and direly wishing I somehow get the chance to say all these things in a chanced conversation over dinner or something. I’ve been asking myself if I love you but I would not know that because we haven’t met each other in a long time. May things may have already changed, we and all the things between us. But somehow, because I never got closure, because I never got the chance to properly say good bye I tend to replay you each time. I think you are okay now. I see that you are doing well and you’re happy. I don’t mean to change what you have. I just want to get the message across because I think we all deserve some form of peace with the matters that confuse us or bother us too much. I personally, don’t want to look back 20 years later thinking of what could have been just because I never told you the truth. In the end, it’s all about you deserving to know this piece of truth and I not living with any regrets. I want you to know that this is a decade worth of memories, feelings and courage and I hope it got through.

Love, XXXX